Screwed.edu
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
