so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
