Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
