So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
