Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
