I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
