Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
