it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
