Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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