She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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