Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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