mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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