I cannot find my penis.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Success! We fucked roommates!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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