i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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