I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
God, you're like boner-b-gone
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
