Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
