Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
