Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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