I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
