Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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