Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
