Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
