The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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