Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
