I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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