You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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