OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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