I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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