Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
