If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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