I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
