He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
