I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My bed smells like the plague
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
