we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize