I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
