he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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