he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
