No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
