if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
