apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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