Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize