Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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