That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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