I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
