I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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