what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
