Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
