Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
