Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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