your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize