How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
