If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
