I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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