I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize