I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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