The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
