I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
