I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
