just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
